I was recently published in a major magazine and mailed a copy to my parents, excited to share with them. My mom was excited, my grandmother (who is a woman who thinks that women have no value at all if they aren't glamourously attractive) responded by saying "Why isn't she wearing any makeup? (I was) She looks like a boy ... she looks ugly." This is not the first time I've heard this type of comment, but never quite so rudely (or in response to something I was so deeply proud of). I figured I would rant about it, get over it, and go on with my day ( this was yesterday).

I woke up today with a crippling depression that I did not remotely see coming -- I can't recall the last time I felt this way. I remember looking up her kindness as a little girl, and how she was always there for me as a teenager. Now, I'm not "perfect" in her eyes anymore, and my reaction is savagely angry, irrational. I want to completely unload on her, scream at her how she is 86 years old and has no one to take of her except my mother, who is only there taking care of her out of guilt because my grandmother has cajoled and wheedled and begged until my mother felt there was no other option.

I always have this roadblock to being compassionate. There's some trigger in me that, once it goes off, I lose it and in my mind I'm like an animal. I know I have to come at this problem a different way, deal with my feelings, and deal with her as long as she's a part of my life, but right now I am incredibly thankful I am as far away from her.

Also, I know all this hits a raw spot because I haven't felt good about myself in a while, and I'm working on my diet and exercising to try to make things different. Fighting with the feelings inside that I'm not attractive enough and therefore not worth anything, something she surely drilled into my head as a kid. My mind knows there's more to one's worth than the way you look, but my emotions are sadly not in line.

I want to stop letting this person push my buttons, but I'm not sure how.