In the morning I leave on a fourteen hour flight to go here.

I used to be pretty mystic about traveling, but now that I've done it so much I don't really feel that way anymore -- it's just a longer, more annoying version of getting in a car. Except this time, I kind of feel the way I felt the first time I got on a flight and the plane lifted into the sky. Nervous, afraid, giddy, excitable, happy. Having no idea what's going to happen next. It's going to be an adventure for sure, and I'm looking forward to having it.

Just feeling kind of sad lately.

Feel like I haven't felt vibrantly ALIVE for a long time.

Yesterday I was watching some concert videos of a couple of the Japanese bands I really like, mainly Arashi and NewS. Watching the Arashi concerts, it occurred to me that it made me feel so joyful to watch them that despite how difficult it would be to get to one (and how expensive!) that I truly wanted to see them perform live. It was a weird feeling last night realizing that I deeply wanted to fly to Japan just to see a concert (not that I wouldn't do other things while I was there).

I was slightly aware that they were actually about to tour because I had seen fan goods being sold on other LJs and I thought to myself, that's awesome, surely I will miss them on my trip next month... I'll have to plan it sometime in the future. Then I looked at the dates and I realized that they are playing the last weekend I am there. I've read about attending these shows before and from what I understand they only sell tickets to people in their fan club. I'm distinctly aware of the fact that this is the 10 year anniversary show for them and that ticket prices are through the roof if you can get them at all. So despite the timing, I am not sure if I can go.

Seems strange at my age to dream about going to see a concert in Japan and truly feeling like it would be achieving a life goal to go, even though it's just entertainment. I laughed to Niero last night about how inappropriate it is. After all, this music is geared at young people. And then we got to talking about how things you enjoy correspond to your age ... and how it really shouldn't matter what you enjoy at any age.

I've come to realize lately at 32 I'm struggling to understand who I am just as much as I was at 22. How odd and humbling that is.

Looking through my usual LJ communities this morning and I came across this picture of the NewS boys ... extremely amused to see that Yamapi is wearing a New Orleans t shirt (and a misspelled one at that)! It put a much needed smile on my face.

Feeling down lately about lack of social activity. Talked to Niero about it but things with Destructoid are always challenging at this time of year, so I don't know how much he can really help me out. I think I need to start being more active about reaching out to find more things to do. It's hard to put my finger on what's wrong with me, but I'm sure it'll clear up eventually.

Uhh.....

*drops drink on floor*

Shirtless YamaPi equals happy day!

I'm on episode 9 of Mei-Chan No Shitsuji, my latest j-drama addiction...almost done! It's a guilty pleasure big time, but my favorite thing about these shows is that they make me squeak like a sixteen year old and I love that. Also, there's this guy:

.....who I'd like to chew on. :)

....or the last few days all I have noticed around me is people's overwhelming negativity and paralyzing focus on incredibly trivial things. While it bugs me, I usually don't notice this so I find that it odd that it's affecting me now. Maybe I have PMS. I just want to grab people and yell at them to be nicer to each other, nicer to themselves, and spend less time worrying about nothing.

As a fan of horror and suspense in film, I've seen a pretty wide range of films, and I still sometimes enjoy even the most formulaic entries in the genre. As it is with all things in media, however, I always hope to see something done in a stunningly different style, that leaves you emotionally aware and a bit breathless with how fiercely unique its approach is. Let the Right One In, a film from Tomas Alfredson, is just that.

I'm not interested in writing a review of it here, or trying to sum up what I saw, because sometimes films speak for themselves in a way that even the dialogue can't touch. Let The Right One In is like that, and despite a major controversy over the subtitles for the American release (search the internet for that and listen to the voices of a thousand people bitching), I felt that even those changes couldn't affect this fundamentally beautiful film.

For me one of the most memorable things about this movie is the way it was shot. The camera angles are unflinching and there are lots of close ups of faces, focusing on the expression of eyes, mouths, and brows.  I feel like I could have watched the whole film on mute and still "heard" what the characters were saying. As a horror film it's elegant and uses violence sparingly, but effectively -- the contrast of it against the films long open spaces and periods of silence makes it that much more effective.

If any of these things appeal to you, see it. I can't wait until it fades from my memory a little bit so I can watch it again and refresh it.

We got her when I was seventeen years old. I remember exactly why I decided I wanted a Husky -- because I met one on one of those long nights up at the Convent, a club I used to frequent around that time. A girl brought her Husky puppy and I spent the night playing with it. I had never owned my own dog, but after a few days I realize I really wanted one. My mom and I looked for breeders, and we brought her home in May, on Mother's Day (she was a birthday present).

I wanted to name her Akira even though the name is technically male, because I loved the animated film Akira. A week or so after we got her, she got sick and I walked to the vet with her. They diagnosed her with Parvo and believed she was going to die. I remember walking all the way home crying, afraid the new puppy would not survive. We called the breeder and he said to just put her down and come get another dog. Only a day later, the vet called and said she howled all night, full of life, and had made what he pronounced to be a miraculous recovery.

Years later, she was lost in Hurricane Katrina and separated from us for almost a half a year. After ardous searching online my mother found her at a shelter in California, skinny, scared, but still alive. They said she was alive on her own for almost a month before they found her and someone managed to survive. She was one of the bravest animals I ever knew, always full of life, always energetic. I can see her running in circles, over and over, in our backyard where I grew up, howling when she heard the firetrucks passing by on the street outside (she thought the sound was the howls of another pack of dogs), and shaking my hand every time I asked her to.

She died Saturday, March 14th in the morning from two tumors in her stomach that were inoperable. I had no idea the last time I was in New Orleans was the last time I would ever see her. She seemed more or less no different than when she was a puppy.

Goodbye, beautiful dog.

 I was recently published in a major magazine and mailed a copy to my parents, excited to share with them. My mom was excited, my grandmother (who is a woman who thinks that women have no value at all if they aren't glamourously attractive) responded by saying "Why isn't she wearing any makeup? (I was) She looks like a boy ... she looks ugly." This is not the first time I've heard this type of comment, but never quite so rudely (or in response to something I was so deeply proud of). I figured I would rant about it, get over it, and go on with my day ( this was yesterday).

I woke up today with a crippling depression that I did not remotely see coming -- I can't recall the last time I felt this way. I remember looking up her kindness as a little girl, and how she was always there for me as a teenager. Now, I'm not "perfect" in her eyes anymore, and my reaction is savagely angry, irrational. I want to completely unload on her, scream at her how she is 86 years old and has no one to take of her except my mother, who is only there taking care of her out of guilt because my grandmother has cajoled and wheedled and begged until my mother felt there was no other option.

I always have this roadblock to being compassionate. There's some trigger in me that, once it goes off, I lose it and in my mind I'm like an animal. I know I have to come at this problem a different way, deal with my feelings, and deal with her as long as she's a part of my life, but right now I am incredibly thankful I am as far away from her.

Also, I know all this hits a raw spot because I haven't felt good about myself in a while, and I'm working on my diet and exercising to try to make things different. Fighting with the feelings inside that I'm not attractive enough and therefore not worth anything, something she surely drilled into my head as a kid. My mind knows there's more to one's worth than the way you look, but my emotions are sadly not in line.

I want to stop letting this person push my buttons, but I'm not sure how.

Tired. Move is half over. We still have more boxes and still have not made an appointment to get movers in here to do the big stuff. Crossing my fingers that we can get that done tomorrow and hopefully get some people in here before Monday.

At any rate, I'm really happy, even though I struggle in transition because I feel we are moving towards something better, and I like that feeling.

I often complain that I don't watch television because the majority of it is insipid bullshit, but in reflection over completing the most recent show I invested time in watching, I realize that I'm partially full of crap -- one of the reasons I don't watch television is because I know the right show can not only suck me in totally, but make me feel genuinely sad and a little melancholy when it comes to a close and I have to say goodbye to characters that I really wish were real people I could meet. I don't regret the time spent at all -- but it makes you feel something.

This happens in games too sometimes. It recently happened when I played Lost Odyssey, but before that it had been a really long time since it had happened to me. It's then that I realize that these forms of media have truly achieved something great. The fact that I am sad tonight while I am packing (we move to our new apartment a week from tomorrow) because the show I was watching ended and I had to let the characters go really sticks with me. I'm sure a lot of people would think it was stupid, but it's no different from real-life goodbyes really....either way, we make our attachments and then have to move on as life does. I don't feel depressed as much as awed by the idea that art never fails to take me by surprise, no matter what form it comes in. I'm still always humbled (and taken by surprise) when it affects me deeply.

1. Name:
2. Birthday:
3. Where do you live:
4: What are you studying/What are you working as:
5. What makes you happy:
6. What are you listening to now/have listened to last:
7. What is particularly good/bad about my LJ:
8. An interesting fact about you:
9. Are you in love/have a crush at the moment:
10. Favorite place to be:
11. Favorite lyric:
12. Best time of the year:
13. Weirdest food you like:
RECOMMEND
1. A film:
2. A book:
3. A song:
4: A band:

PLUS
1. One thing you like about me:
2. Two things you like about yourself:
3. Put this in your LJ so I can tell you what I think of you...?

....and I realize this is the most genuinely obsessed I've been with a series in a long, long time. Yeah, maybe it's predictable sometimes, and it's goofy and romantic, but damn I have loved every minute of it.

I think I want to dig a lot deeper into Japanese dramas after watching this show. I just hope I can find more that are as wonderful as this one has been. :)

I have this thing where I have a hard time getting to sleep before 3 am, and I spend a lot of that time on the internet doing my writing stuff and reading. Every once in a while, I go prowling around Facebook or old LJs and see how people are doing.

I was just looking at the Facebook of an ex-boyfriend who I am still close with -- he's married with kids now -- and I looked at a picture of him smiling an incredibly huge, genuine smile, and it was like being thrust into a time portal. So odd, it's hard to describe. Made me really miss him but even more so, miss old times.

I've noticed I think about the past a lot and wonder if this is the beginning of that evolution towards the stage of old age where people constantly talk  about their memories, because they've become lost in them. From what I can tell from how I think of them now, they're incredibly beguiling -- you get lost in them so easily. But I've always been a person who loves to embrace the present, and I worry that by getting my head so stuck in the past, I'm not seeing life as its happening around me. Maybe that's just how it is.

EVERYTHING ABOUT TODAY HAS FUCKING SUCKED

If I could go to bed right now to get further away from this shitbag of a day I would but I have a podcast to do tonight, so I am going to do it and do my best to have fun and forget it.

If I had a bottle of something though, I'd be swimming in it right now.

So, I'm interested in completely customizing the background of my Live Journal, but reading the instructions on how to customize it made my brain feel kind of melty. Any of you know how to do it and can explain in a way I can comprehend? I just want to upload a skin, dammit. Help a bitch out here! I never thought I'd feel appreciation for MySpace, but the ease of uploading a skin to your page there is worth nothing...

Lot of stuff running though my head as of late.

Made a point to make plans with a friend today, forced myself to do something outside of how I usually spend my weekends (in the house). I know there's a world out there but I have been shamefully pessimistic as of late when it comes to exploring Miami, as I've made up my mind the town is not a good fit for me and seem to be determined to be stuck in a rut until Niero and I choose another place to live and move. It's stupid -- why wait to live when you can live now?

Came home and drove up to see Niero waiting for me (he forgot his house keys and just came back to meet me so I could let him in) wearing a new hat, new jeans, new shirt and a new necklace, watch and bracelet and looking sexy as FUCK. I'm like, oh dear Christ I get to be naked with this guy. Wow.

Came into the house and did naughty things to him, as expected, but afterwards we laid in bed and talked for a few hours, about all kinds of things (and topics we usually don't discuss day to day).

I'm not sure I have the proper words for it but all I can say is that I find myself perhaps adjusting to growing with another person a little bit better and am starting to understand that not being single anymore is not synonymous with a loss of identity. The feeling of being threatened by domesticity is softening a little bit as I come to understand that my spirit will never be domestic.

I am pleased with this ever-so-subtle understanding, but miss what I consider to be the other end of it -- those equally fulfilling, rich friendships, which endure but all the people are far away. Looking forward to coming back home next month so I can be near them some of them again.

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Col
2. Coco
3. girlfriend

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1.frequency17
2. nexus6
3. nagikokiyohara

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. skin
2. eyes
3. chest (I'm glad I was gifted with small breasts. Big ones look painful)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. belly
2. legs
3. hands

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. spanish
2. italian
3. french

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. change
2. cowardice
3. my ability to be self-defeating

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. internet
2. music
3. hugs

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. white v-neck t shirt
2. Calvin Klein black pj pants (BEST LOUNGEWEAR EVER)
3. black flip flops

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS:
1. Lisa Gerrard
2. Damien Rice
3. Sigur Ros

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. kindness
2. unselfishness
3. ability to laugh together


TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE (in no particular order):
1. I can't see a Nintendo  Entertainment System game without playing it.
2. I'm seriously considering having one of my tattoos lasered off.
3.  Eating sushi 5 times a week is my idea of heaven.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. smile
2. wrists and hands
3. voice

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. writing (does work count as a hobby?)
2. video games
3. reading

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. get in better physical shape
2. finish this move so I can settle into what I hope will be my home for a while
3. finish watching The Shining miniseries (Netflix only sent one disc, argh)

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED:
1. vet tech
2. musical theatre performer
3. psychologist

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. Tokyo
2. Paris
3. China

THREE KIDS NAMES YOU LIKE:
I have honestly never considered this question.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. stand on the Great Wall of China
2. see Tibet
3. stand inside the Louvre.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL:
1. hunger for shoes and bags
2. I like small dogs (the kind you carry in a bag. Except I would never do that. to them)
3. A lot of cute things make me make excited, squeaky noises.

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY:
1. Obsessive love of video games.
2. Adoration/lust for hot women.
3. I need my space  :)

Not tired.

Got a headache, though.

The cat wants to go to bed and is sitting next to me looking perplexed.

Sleeping pills are a bad idea, right?